First, I uncovered a deep vow that stands in the way of me being what God designed me for. Somewhere along the way I decided that I will not be messy with people because being messy hurts and is bad. This was a big surprise for me but I was able to see how it has been rooted and reinforced in multiple events over my entire life. Its like I am ok knowing people at the surface, but if going below the surface means tension, conflict, or seeing my flaws, then my vow rears up and asserts itself.
Here is one example of how this vow torpedoes God working in and through me. Several years ago at my church someone said, “You are the glue that helps us stay connected.” As I interacted with people I was seen as bringing people together. And I was. It was good and I liked it. But as soon as that was said, my vibrations started. All of a sudden, what I had done so freely was now a burden and anxiety-producing. I heard in that phrase (the glue) that I was being asked to commit to be there for people. Well, my self-talk started – “people are messy and I can’t commit to being messy. I’m just glue now because everything is smooth and easy. Wait until someone has a real problem and then they will be looking to me. I can’t handle that kind of pressure.” So I backed off and stopped being what was so beneficial up to that moment – it conflicted with my vow. So where do I go from here? I think that one thing is just realizing that I have this vow and it must die for me to be all that God wants. I’m starting there, but I know that killing it won’t just happen by verbal rejection, I will have to obey God against my vow in order to truly put it to death.
Second, God birthed in me a desire be a catalyst for mobilizing the Body of Christ at Texas Instruments. I have no idea how to do that. And I absolutely know that it will be messy (even writing it creates butterflies/vibrations in my stomach). But what choice do I have? I can serve my vows, money, comfort, convenience, independence – and continue in mediocrity and worldly thinking. Or I can take off the blinders, take off the masks, and follow the LORD of All who has never let me down and who promises to meet all my needs. Sounds so logical on paper. Now if I could just find the easy button. Oh wait, that would mean I was going back to comfort, convenience, independence… So that’s why the Way is hard. Its not because He’s mean, its because it’s the only way to truly be free.